Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends, but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely. It’s feeling everything at once then feeling paralyzingly numb. — healthyplace.com
Trauma in Our Early Days Impacts Who We Are
I was the oldest of three kids. As I grew up I took on the belief that my role was to be a helper, a vigilant protector, someone trusted to ‘get the job done’, regardless. Beyond all of the wonderful things I learned and experienced as a child, somewhere along the line I also learned that putting myself first was not allowed. I learned that obeying the rules, self-sacrifice, and ‘doing it right’ brought recognition and praise and the love that I craved. As I look back, I see that at times fear motivated me to be resourceful, strong and obedient. I also learned to fear the reprisals that came from stepping out of line and I learned to keep my feelings to myself. I learned that anger is a dangerous emotion that brings pain and suffering. I learned that ‘life is hard, and then you die’. My childhood fear of not being good enough, strong enough, smart enough, helped to shape the adult person I became. Sometimes these beliefs were the result of specific events, and other times my childhood mind unconsciously read between the lines and concluded that this is how life went, and this is who I needed to become to be ok in the world. Small things can easily result in trauma in a child that lingers through a lifetime.
Helping Others – A Life with Trauma, Grief & Anxiety
It’s no surprise that with these childhood beliefs and my love of people, that I entered a helping profession. I became a police officer and worked in many different areas as a patrol officer and detective, and have experienced many things that are easily recognized as traumatic events today. I was perfectly suited for that career as I helped the weak or helpless, held rule breakers accountable, and did not let my feelings get in the way of doing a ‘good job’. I reinforced my beliefs that my emotions are not welcome, that anger is even more dangerous than I knew, and that life is hard. I separated myself from those I cared most about, with anger or intolerance of emotion of any kind. I did not believe I could ask for help from anyone and became hard and cynical on the inside, while outwardly showing a mask of happy, controlled, and content. I was doing what I loved, but sadly I didn’t understand the growing cost of denying my feelings and denying trauma that had begun to accumulate in my life.
A Powerful Life Choice – My Personal Journey Past Trauma, Anxiety & Depression
When my marriage ended in divorce I began a journey that led me right back to myself. I got help from others who also had mistaken beliefs about “self”. I attended a personal growth workshop and began a process of discovering how the traumas and emotions I had blocked and suppressed my whole life were preventing me from experiencing the peace and joy that were eluding me.
My choice to be vulnerable and honest about what was really going on inside of me became a liberating and life changing event. It opened my eyes and changed my perspective! I put down my weapons of judgement and anger and took off the armour around my heart. I became fascinated about learning what I unconsciously believed about myself and began to question if those ideas were based in truth. I enrolled in a three-year program to become a counselling therapist. Those three years were transformative, and have opened the door to a life that acknowledges and welcomes ALL of my emotions!
I graduated from the Clearmind International Institute’s Practitioners Training Program and have a diploma in Transpersonal Therapeutic Counselling. I have assisted in many personal growth workshops where men and women of all ages and walks of life struggled with feelings of anxiety and depression resulting from trauma and mistaken beliefs. I have assisted other students in their emotional journey and training, and I have learned that the best way for me to help others is to be willing to be helped myself. I have shadowed and assisted instructors in all levels of the training program as they instructed students in their therapist training.
I now feel emotions that I had suppressed for many years, and have learned to understand myself more deeply. I have learned that how I feel actually matters. I have emotions for a reason. Fear and anger and joy and sadness all have a purpose. They are an important part of my overall health and well-being.
In all of my searching and learning I have become heart centered, compassionate, and understanding. I offer a place for those with a heavy load to land, be seen and heard, revive and grow.
Lay Your Burden Down – Reclaim Your Life
In my practice I offer a place where you can rest, heal and reclaim the kind of life and joy that you have every right to live. I know what depression and anxiety feel like, and I know how anger can destroy and tear down what we hold so dear. By making the choice that I matter, I reached out for help with the feelings I thought I had to handle alone. I have learned there are ways to apply the positive energy of all my emotions and how to recognize, honour and live with those emotions I was taught to disown, ignore and hide. I have also learned that connection and sameness with other humans is a key part of all healing. I would like to walk with you on your journey.
Curiosity is the Warrior of Truth — unknown
Connect with help that understands your pain and fears and knows there is a way through to healthy living.